37 Exploring Gratitude and Privilege: Navigating Emotions with Humor and Reflection

What happens when you mix gratitude with a dash of humor and a sprinkle of honest reflection? That's exactly what my co-host Melissa Chureau and I, explore as we navigate the complex emotions of love, fear, gratitude, and privilege. We get candid about the challenges of performative gratitude and share our own quirky experiences, like the unexpected costs of getting new glasses. Our discussion weaves through the importance of finding joy in everyday life and how questioning societal norms can lead to a richer understanding of gratitude, especially as November brings our focus to appreciation.

Together, we unravel the intricate relationship between emotions that many believe can't coexist. We challenge these notions by illustrating how true gratitude can shine like an eclipse, overshadowing fear without dismissing it entirely. Our conversation also touches on the profound impact media consumption has on our mindset and the importance of choosing content that uplifts. We delve into understanding privilege using relatable analogies, like the Monopoly game, and highlight the significance of authentic connections in today's world. With personal anecdotes and plans for live breathwork sessions focused on gratitude, this episode promises to leave you with a fresh perspective and a reminder to offer yourself grace during life's trials.

Connect with Melissa Chureau of The Fully Mindful
website: https://www.thefullymindful.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_fully_mindful/

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Transcript

Gratitude and Performative Practices

Speaker 1 0:00

The more that we are eclipsing those difficult feelings. They're still there and they're not going away, and I'm not saying that we're hiding them or feeling like we need to not be with them, but what becomes more predominant is a feeling of gratitude and appreciation in our lives, and that feels good. Yeah, and that's part of the science, right, when our brain is looking for evidence of the things that we believe. Since we're busy believing that we're grateful and appreciative, then we're going to see the evidence.

Speaker 2 0:37

Welcome to New World Normal Podcast. I'm Debbie Harrell, your host and the Question Normal coach. This podcast is all about examining our norms, whether these are societal norms or personal norms. These are the systems, the cycles and the patterns that are keeping us stuck. They're often keeping us overwhelmed and under-fulfilled. So if you're less than excited by the status quo and you're ready to create change, disrupt and do better, challenging the norms we've all been told will make us happy, asking the questions that we've been conditioned to ignore, and change our lives and our communities for the better in the process, then stick around. As a lifelong questioner and someone who prefers to operate outside of the box, I have designed the space for us to do this together. The disruptor, the cycle breaker, the rebel Welcome. And now for today's show. Welcome back to New World Normal.

Speaker 1 1:40

Podcast. This is me, debbie, your host, and today we have a special episode. It is a collaboration that I do regularly with Melissa Shero of the Fully Mindful. We actually show up live on Instagram and record a fun podcast episode that we have decided to name Tangents and Sidebars, because when you get two neuro-spicy women together, we do a lot of tangents and sidebars. But in today's episode we're talking a bit about gratitude. We are in November. Traditionally, that is a time when a lot of people are public about their gratitude practice and you will learn that, although we know that, how important it is, we often have issue with how performative it might seem and how it might be harmful to some who are really having a difficult time connecting to that gratitude or appreciation. We share some tips and our insights and we might go down a few tangents and sidebars on the way. I really hope you enjoyed the conversation and if you would like to join us live on Instagram, ever be sure to follow both of our accounts and look for the announcements, enjoy.

Speaker 1 3:07

Welcome to another episode of Tangents and Sidebars, where Melissa from the Fully Mindful and I come on here and talk about random things. Here we go Hair, shins, maybe, possibly random things. Here we go. Here she is maybe. Possibly we always talk about random stuff and we'll see if there is a stink bug. That was like just exited the screen right before the screen. Yeah, there's a think bug on the screen, not like on my screen here.

Speaker 1 3:47

I'm doing this without glasses because now that you know, with the time chains it's dark and I have to use lighting and I just hate the glare. It drives me bonkers. Oh I, there's a glare. I'll probably be super squinty, but it's okay. I'll probably be super squinty, but it's okay. Great glasses. Anyway, these are just blue light glasses. They're not ripped, interesting. I have. My real glasses are coming. And then here's what I do.

Speaker 1 4:20

I went to get my new prescription this week, adam, and they're like oh, do you want progressive lenses? And I was like, oh, that's right, I'm getting older, I probably could use that. And they're like, yeah, and they didn't tell me like that would be a shit ton more money for progressive lenses. So then, like I go to pay and I just like I just paid and I didn't think about it. And then I was like wait a minute, that doesn't seem right. Did I get five pairs of glasses? I went with my daughter and she got prescription glasses too. So we got three pairs of glasses all together and so I knew it was not going to be inexpensive. But it shouldn't have been what it was. And so then when I got home I looked at the receipt and I was like, oh okay, I guess when you get older person's glasses you really pay for it. And so I emailed them and they were very nice.

Speaker 1 5:16

I said I, oops, I don't think I'm quite ready for progressives and or at least my wallet's not. We undo that part of the transaction when and kidding, yeah, they were nice and actually I really this company, warby parker, don't? They do really, yeah, frames and they're actually very for the quality and I'm sure I would have been just fine with their progressives, but I wasn't quite ready for that. Yeah, no, oh, he is William Parker as well. Yeah, I thought was first went to Warby Parker, just to I.

Speaker 1 5:53

We did not set out to talk about the tangents and sidebars, that it did. I was thinking of the tangents and sidebars. I was like because I think I originally found out about them through the rich roll podcast, and I was like, if they, I think I originally found out about them through the Rich Roll podcast and I was like, well, if they found Rich Roll, it must be expensive because all his stuff is high end that he promotes. And no, I wasn't really surprised. It's not expensive. Despite what I said about the progressive lenses, I think my frames were like $123 or something, with the lenses, like all of it together.

Speaker 1 6:25

I've never paid that little for a pair of glasses. The first time I went to a Parker it was in Venice, so I feel like it's like the cool kids yes, and extra eye glasses yeah. I'm pretty psyched. I can't wait. I can't wait to go buy more glasses. I was excited, speaking Speaking of getting older and sight when I got my eyes checked last time. My doctor said that my astigmatism had corrected itself. So I literally don't need prescription glasses anymore. I just need magnifying for reading. So you hear this, young people who might be listening, just hang out and your vision's going to get better. And so I just came home and immediately bought a bunch of inexpensive magnifying cheaters they are in every room of my house, every bag I have.

Speaker 1 7:16

I just have progressive, expensive progressive windows or I can just have the like five dollar Costco version and just put those on when I need them. Yeah, I think you can order. I don't think they're as expensive as prescription. But you can get the cheaters also. Yeah, I love it. See what happens? The ones and they were a little expensive. I'm like no, I like my $5 Target ones. The one benefit of getting older.

Speaker 2 7:43

Your vision doesn't get better.

Speaker 1 7:46

Every once in a while. Every once in a while. The benefit, yeah, but we did. What we're going to talk about is heavy is it.

Speaker 1 7:55

I don't know. I guess anything could be heavy these days, depending on how you look at it, but we're in the month of November, which a lot of people try to focus on gratitude this time of the year, and you and I bonded about the fact that when it starts happening, we're like oh gosh, and I feel like you and I have talked about this before too. Anytime I'm feeling resistant or annoyed by something, that's usually when I probably need it most. Yeah, which makes me a bit more annoyed about it. Right, it's oh God, I need that more and I really don't want it.

Speaker 1 8:41

But, I don't want. No, we're wrong. So what we were going to talk about is we're also going to talk about, like, performative gratitude. So a lot of people feel like they have to be grateful, right, and then they have to be. They have to show that they're grateful, and so there are a lot of people out there doing reels and Instagram posts and talking about how grateful they are about all the things in their lives and maybe they really effing are, I don't know that's it. Are all these people really that grateful for all these things? Are they just posting them? I don't know, and I think that's the danger is like to really be grateful.

Speaker 1 9:26

The gratitude practice is really amazing, right, and we know from the science that it works. It really does work. Sidebar only works. It's honest, honest, right. If you believe it yeah, that's the same affirmations you got to believe it or it's not going to really work If you're just forcing yourself to name things that you feel you should. It's whatever you feel thankful for.

Speaker 1 9:52

Yeah, you can't fake it until you make it. I'm a big believer in faking it until you make it, or at least that action can. Action precedes thought, right, In terms of changing your thoughts. That's that I don't think you can fake gratitude. You've got to and I've gotten there by doing what I'm called I guess I'm going to call them bridge statements. So if I'm not quite grateful yet, I can find something smaller, or I can find appreciation, or I can find appreciation no-transcript and sometimes I really am there, but a lot of times I'm not and I might be like God, I really appreciate this really strong hot cup of coffee right now, and that's where I'm at. Or like a bridge statement would be like I'm willing to try to maybe work my way into feeling grateful about having what I have in my life right, so that it's an honest statement. Like, if that's honest, like I'm willing to try to work on that, that's honest. Yeah, I would agree with that. I feel like when I'm having resistance, I feel like when I'm having resistance, telling myself to start as small as possible Think of the tiniest thing, or that bridging I'm working on it, I'm trying. I might not be there yet, but I'm working on it.

Navigating Love, Fear, and Gratitude

Speaker 1 11:31

I think, yeah, the other thing that I was, I found myself being annoying, being annoying someone mentioning and I don't remember what words she used, but it was like you can't be grateful and this also. It doesn't happen like the signs, and I was like what do you mean? Because I'm constantly talking about, you've got to leave space for the, and I can be great and sad and I, I think, and so I did a little research, or somebody did research before one of these calls, and it's anxiety. They say you can't be anxious and grateful at the same time. But yes, okay, thanks, because I feel like I'm like, I feel like I've been anxious and grateful, because I feel like for anxiety for me, especially in this time in history, like anxiety is just constant in the background, it's like white noise, it's there and I'm not saying it's debilitating, but it's there, and so I can be grateful for these things but also like anxious about the uncertainty.

Speaker 1 12:33

Um, let's say people that say that you can't feel love and fear at the same time, and I don't believe that either. I think you absolutely can feel love for someone or something or circumstances and also be afraid of something else. I think we're, I think it just we're not so black and white. I don't think it's like an either or situation. Yeah, it is that love and fear. So I'm like, I feel like they just kind of go hand in hand, because when you really love something, that's terrifying it.

Speaker 1 13:02

Envy, yeah, 100, and so, yeah, anxiety and gratitude, I think can co-mingle. They can be on the same dance party floor. Why not? They sort of out in me because I was like I don't know that. I believe that I feel like I felt it and then I'm like maybe I'm misnaming my anxiety, maybe it's not actually anxiety, what is it? I don't know. We're just much more complicated as human beings than and maybe as a general I'm just trying to be generous to whoever that was Maybe that's a general rule. They don't generally coexist, but I think they could coexist. A general rule they don't generally coexist, but I think they could coexist. And obviously they do coexist because you felt them at the same time and other people have felt them at the same time. I'm sure I've felt them at the same time and I just think we're a little bit more complicated than that.

Speaker 1 13:48

And once it's more like in the like, when you're purely focusing, maybe like a meditative or mindfulness practice where you're focusing on the gratitude itself. Maybe that's when it doesn't leave as much room for the anxiety or the fear. Or maybe it's more like an eclipse. Right, it's still there, but it's eclipsing it, right? Yeah, you like that here at the tangents and sidebars, yeah, so, now that we have sufficiently shit talked, the idea of a gratitude practice, why is important? What is that important to have?

Speaker 1 14:29

When we can find genuine, authentic gratitude, believe, genuine, we tend to attract more of that in our life. We tend to see more of it in our lives. So the more we can find appreciation I'm going to use the word appreciation in tandem with gratitude the more we can find appreciation for things, the more we tend to see things that we appreciate and that we are grateful for. So, in the using that eclipse metaphor, the more we tend to see things that we appreciate and that we are grateful for. So, in the using that eclipse metaphor, the more that the eclipse can remain, the more that we are eclipsing those difficult feelings. They're still there and they're not going away, and I'm not saying that we're hiding them or feeling like we need to not be with them. But what becomes more predominant is a feeling of gratitude and appreciation in our lives, and that feels good.

Speaker 1 15:23

Yeah, and that's part of the science, right, when our brain is looking for evidence of the things that we believe, since we're busy believing that we're grateful and appreciative, then we're going to see the evidence of that. It's like when you buy a new car and you're like nobody has ever had a red Prius before Me, and then you buy the red Prius and suddenly you're like, oh my God, everybody and their mother has a red Prius, right, you just start noticing it. So it's the same kind of thing. So the more that you can activate that appreciation or gratitude, the more you're going to see appreciation and gratitude out there in the world, just like the red prius. Yeah, and I feel like that's I've been thinking a lot about, because that's why I started that mindful media newsletter that I'm going to do on Fridays with suggestions of things to watch. But he had this feeling anxious, that low-grade white noise of anxiety in the background, and then he realized, oh, what am I doing to relax? I'm watching serial killer documentaries and dystopian movies, which I love.

Speaker 1 16:35

But also that's then feeding us that viewpoint and then we're going to look for evidence like, oh my gosh, we're going that way. My husband's can't understand. He'll always make fun of me in a cute way. He's not truly making fun of me, he just thinks it's cute about me that I watch like Abbott Elementary and the English teacher and stuff like that, and I'm like, yeah, the world kind of sucks, so I need to watch stuff that's just like irreverent or funny or maybe taps into the goodness of humanity when possible. It feels better that way. I need to see that, like see it out there in the world too. Yeah, and I'm grateful.

Speaker 1 17:16

I'm grateful that they are some creative people are doing that on purpose, like doing like ted lasso style shows and we were talking about the other day how shrinking is doing such a good job.

Speaker 1 17:29

Um, might not be perfect, like as far as, because I'm curious what the therapy world thinks about that show, but as just just a lay person watching it, oh look, they're talking about all the range of things that we deal with and doing it lightheartedly and accessibly, and even talking about big heavy things. They're talking about feelings, like actually having conversations about them, and that's really cool, yeah, which gets to our next topic. We are also going to talk about coaching. In quote, unquote, unprecedented. I feel like it works for therapy too, whether you're working with a coach or a therapist, and I hope that most therapists are bringing this up.

Speaker 1 18:15

I know it's something that I talk about in my coaching. A lot is the outside influences. Like you can't really focus on trying to reach my goal without noticing, paying attention to the outward systems that are impacting your ability to be able to get there, whether it's the economy impacting your monetary goals, or there's just so much going on in the world right now, or politics, or war, or your rights being taken away or threatened to be taken away or impacted in some ways.

Speaker 1 18:50

Yeah, or just the uncertainty of not sure what's going to happen. Are all those things going to happen? Are they going to be as bad as we've a lot of us have imagined, is it? Yes, we don't try to stay hopeful. I'm staying hopeful, maybe not. A lot of good people are doing a lot of good things, but I also appreciate like we can't and I guess this kind of gets back to this idea of not being toxically positive or trying to be grateful when maybe we're not feeling it so much. I've seen a lot of thought leaders or spiritual leaders that I really appreciate talking about this like they're having a hard time, they're struggling. They're actually talking about the fact that they're struggling and they're keeping it real, and I appreciate that, that they're not like oh, look at me, I'm the guru, I have all the answers, all will be OK, just listen to what I have to say and do what I do. They're keeping it absolutely real.

Speaker 2 19:52

Yeah, and.

Speaker 1 19:52

I appreciate the fact that they're actually talking about it, because so many times people and which has always been mind boggling to me Like, if you're in the personal growth space, how do you not talk about these kinds of issues? Like, how do you not talk about politics? I'm just not political. I mean everything's political. I can't think of a thing that really isn't political. When they say that, well, they're saying they're not comfortable talking about politics, but that's something different. That's the more honest statement.

Speaker 1 20:20

And for myself, I recognize that it's easier for me to be, to hold on until a little bit of that, hope being that I'm a white, able-bodied woman living in California, and so that's a different experience, vastly different experience, than somebody in a different colored body living in a very red state. Yeah, I've really, really, and people and that's been one of my pet peeves too is people in the like guru personal development space, where they don't acknowledge their privilege, especially in the coaches coaching coaches, which we love that, like I can do all these things okay, where, like you've got, there's some reasons that you can do all these things so easily. Yeah, share a little bit of that too, because it takes time to get from point a to point b and you know if you had some help that share about yeah, wasn't necessarily earned, got it.

Speaker 1 21:19

You've got to be honest about that with yourself and your people that are following you, the client, and absolutely agree with that. That doesn't mean that you don't share something of yourself and your experience right. It doesn't mean you're like some coach robot or therapist robot.

Speaker 1 21:44

Oh yeah, which is actually In actual coaching therapy. I was more like people online when they're sharing. Oh, I see Trying to build an audience, not necessarily in a session, but how they're presenting themselves as they're trying to attract people. Yeah, no, 100%. And I, yeah, I, you gotta love those posts that you see where they're like in one month, I went from earning $1 with no clients to earning $5 million with 10. And you're like good for you, or I don't believe you you're like good for you or I don't believe you.

Understanding Privilege and Gratitude

Speaker 1 22:21

No, the fact that I've told you that I was very proud. I talked to a Trump supporter and we had a dialogue and I feel like he actually heard me explain privilege to him, because when I first talked about the idea of privilege, he's like I earned everything I've got. He forgot that. He told me about his family having 500,000 acres in Central California when he was a child and like all that stuff. A lot of people don't have that as a starting point. I did that analogy. Have you and I talked about the Monopoly game analogy? I'm not sure I'll have to share it because anybody watching it was very helpful and I feel like it's an easy way to explain it to other people. Maybe you'll use it with that cranky uncle at Thanksgiving this year or Christmas.

Speaker 1 23:10

But the idea of playing Monopoly because we've all played Monopoly and you have to pass go once, yes, before you start buying property, right? So imagine being somebody that's playing Monopoly with a group of friends. Only you have to go around the board five or 10 times before you can start buying anything. How competitive is that going to make you? How are you going to feel? That's what I asked the guy that I was talking to. I'm like, how are you going to feel if you have to go around the board five times before you could start buying these? Everybody else is buying right off the bat. I'm going to feel pretty bitter. It was like, yeah, interesting.

Speaker 1 23:48

But yeah, that's the idea of privilege. You've gotten a leg up that other people haven't gotten, that you didn't earn. It was just by luck, pure happenstance, that you were born into the body. You were born into the family that you were born into, the geography that you were born into. Just luck, just luck, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. I just interviewed a doctor of psychology about ADD in girls and it even occurs there where, if you, they did a study where boys and girls' names were changed in case files to determine who got services, and if there was a boy's name, they got services, and if there was a girl's name, they did get the services. Same exact factual scenario. Wow, yeah. So it happens all over the place.

Speaker 1 24:48

And nobody it's not malicious, it's not nobody's intending to deprive, I shouldn't say nobody's. A lot of people are not intending to deprive others of something, of some benefit, it just happens, right. And then there are those who do intend to deprive others of something, of some benefit. It just happens right. And then there are those who do intend to deprive others, and that's a whole nother story. There's intention, and then there's conditioning or habit it's the way we've always done it and conscious bias, yeah. So, as we go into this Thanksgiving holiday, we've covered a lot of ground here. We covered, we talked about total tangent of glasses, but we did talk about two important subjects One, how to find authentic gratitude right. Just finding, maybe taking small steps, finding something that we appreciate.

Speaker 1 25:42

And letting it eclipse other feelings, if you can, yeah. And then it starts to show up everywhere. Instead of it being something that we have to go out and locate, it starts just showing up. And then we talked a little bit more about keeping it real when we're whether we're in a coach space or a therapist space or just in a human space of like just keeping it real and sharing when we can and being transparent when we're struggling or if it's difficult, that it's not all awesome all the time and that can be a real moment of vulnerability, but also a moment of connection. Yeah, and even if you're not in coaching or therapeutic space but you're just struggling, be mindful.

Speaker 1 26:24

There's a lot of stuff going on right now. So give yourself grace and check in with yourself. Maybe that is part of what's blocking you or getting you in an obstacle. I know, when we first talked about it, I'm like, oh, we should talk about having difficult conversation. The holidays are coming up, but that was literally one of our other episodes already, so we've already talked about that. Oh, we did talk about that.

Speaker 2 26:46

So go back and listen to that, yeah.

Speaker 1 26:49

So, as we're wrapping up, I feel like, yeah, we're at the end of the hour. What's going on with you? What's going on with me? I am getting ready to. I'm glowing up my podcast, so I'm in the process of looking at retooling my podcast, so that'll be relaunching in the new year. I'm still getting out some really good episodes, so it's not like that's not happening, but I'm really excited about that and still have some live breath work stuff going on around town and have some coaching going on. So that's pretty exciting. And what else? Oh, I have online yeah, online breath work this Thursday, 530 Pacific, and folks can sign up on my website, thefullymindfulcom, and it's going to be a really good one. It is actually on gratitude and release and it does incorporate a little bit about, I think, what we've all been experiencing this last couple of weeks. So I hope you'll join me there. Yes, I'm going to be there and I will. I know you shared the link with me, so I'll be sharing that on my socials in the. You sure did it's.

Speaker 1 28:12

Also. I am pleased to put out weekly episodes. I used to be a bi-weekly podcast. My mouth is not working today. Bi-weekly podcast Now I would like to be a weekly podcast and that is my goal.

Speaker 1 28:35

However, I am keeping in mind that there's a lot of stuff going on in the world and, giving myself grace, I'm going to work as hard as I can, but whatever happens and I just remember how much I love doing that the actual interviewing part. I'm not as excited about the editing and the promoting, but I do love the actual interview part. So I'm excited to get back to that Teased a little bit, that I'm starting that Friday newsletter yeah. Recommendations excited to get back to that Teased a little bit that I'm starting that Friday newsletter yeah. Or recommendations, because I feel like a lot of people are always asking what are you watching? What are you doing for the weekend? Give people ideas. I'm, of course, going to have my podcast episode, but I will be recommending other podcasts, books or documentaries, tv shows. So if you have any of those, be sure to send them my way so I can recommend them to everybody.

Speaker 1 29:23

And then, what else is going on with me? I'm working on my first ever Black Friday offer. What's that going to happen? It's going to be a personalized vision statement. So you have tried the New Year's resolution, you have tried the New Year's intention word. Maybe you've even made a vision board. Now you can try personalized vision statement, and I'm actually building it as a course, electronic pointing at my computer, so it will be like there's tech involved, which is why it's taking me a little longer, but I'm excited because it'll just it'll be there If you ever, which is why it's taking me a little longer, but I'm excited because it'll just it'll be there If you ever want it, it's there and in addition, you'll get like 52 affirmations to work with throughout the year as well. Wow, that's really awesome.

Speaker 1 30:12

Yeah, I'm pretty excited. Yes, that's what's up with me, that's what's up with you, and I know we had people joining us, but since you don't have the money, you can't. I know Don't say hi to anybody, but remember, these aren't real glasses, so you just pretend to look right. It looks like there's people here, but I have no idea who it is. Hi, friends, I think Audra is here. For sure, I think I can see that name, but yes, hi, yeah.

Speaker 1 30:42

And hi, friends who are watching this later. Yes, yes, yeah. So this is it. Tangents of the Sidebar. We're going to record live on Instagram. Yep, maybe in the new year we'll come up with an actual schedule. For now, it's here, will we? It's here? Will we both have time? We're like very consistent actually with tangents and sidebar. The theme of tangents is hopefully rando. We just show up when we can and then it'll be on both of our podcast feeds also. So, yes, of course it's hard figure that out, it will go there, it will live there, awesome. Well, I hope everyone has a a beautiful Thanksgiving and that you find something to appreciate in every day, and on Thanksgiving, of course, yes, and you can find reasons to be appreciative and grateful even if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah, exactly Every day. All right, I'm going to try and end this now. Okay, see you later. Bye.

Speaker 2 31:45

Thank you so much for being here and for listening to the New World Normal podcast. I really appreciate each and every one of you. Hope you enjoyed what you heard today and, if you did, feel free to head over to Apple or Spotify and leave us a review. It's a very easy way to help us get the word out about the show and if there is anyone in your life who might benefit from hearing the information that we shared today, please send them this episode. Let's get the word out that normal isn't always better. A lot of times it's what's keeping us overwhelmed and under fulfilled. Let's keep times it's what's keeping us overwhelmed and under fulfilled. Let's keep questioning it together. Thanks again.